Jack Bauer One-Liners

News Type: Other — Tue Mar 14, 2006 9:28 PM EST

entertainment, television, fox, 24, jack-bauer, 24-show

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's f**king beef.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer f**king hates lemonade.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to ******. ****** was addicted to Jack Bauer. Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

The childrens game Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better f**king do it.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.

Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the f**k have you done with your life?

Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the ..5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.

Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.

Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're f**king dead."

When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.

If O.J. ever met Jack Bauer, he'd confess.

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm f**ked".

Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.

The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"

You walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're probably gonna get laid.

Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

Source: My e-mail listed none. But! Dom Pody points me to this source: Top OneHundred Facts. This person's blog seems pretty cool too.

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Public Discussion (19)

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{"commentId":61373,"authorDomain":"kopa"}

kopa

hilarious!!

{"commentId":61373,"threadId":"18524","contentId":"133338","authorDomain":"kopa"}

#1 - Tue Mar 14, 2006 6:09 PM EST

{"commentId":61419,"authorDomain":"dansampson"}

Dan Sampson

loved it!

{"commentId":61419,"threadId":"18524","contentId":"133338","authorDomain":"dansampson"}

#2 - Tue Mar 14, 2006 6:50 PM EST

{"commentId":61542,"authorDomain":"pody"}

Dom Pody

bobbi, you could give credit where it's due sometimes.

-_-

{"commentId":61542,"threadId":"18524","contentId":"133338","authorDomain":"pody"}

2 votes

#3 - Tue Mar 14, 2006 9:10 PM EST

{"commentId":61549,"authorDomain":"StephanieBamBam"}

StephanieBamBam

Dom Pody writes:

bobbi, you could give credit where it's due sometimes.

-_-

Hah! Neat, I've never seen that site before - I got the list via e-mail (I mention the source in another post.

Definately will edit this to link there now, though.

{"commentId":61549,"threadId":"18524","contentId":"133338","authorDomain":"StephanieBamBam"}

2 votes

#4 - Tue Mar 14, 2006 9:20 PM EST

{"commentId":61606,"authorDomain":"themillerreport"}

DaveMiller

Regardless, that was funny.

{"commentId":61606,"threadId":"18524","contentId":"133338","authorDomain":"themillerreport"}

#5 - Tue Mar 14, 2006 10:31 PM EST

{"commentId":61689,"authorDomain":"sean"}

Sean S

I haven't watched since season 1 (I'm too bitter how it ended). Some of these are great, some are not ... I mean, like, really not.

Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the ..5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

Wtf? Lame.

{"commentId":61689,"threadId":"18524","contentId":"133338","authorDomain":"sean"}

#6 - Tue Mar 14, 2006 11:53 PM EST

{"commentId":61717,"authorDomain":"MobileGeek"}

Nicksta

ok... total rip-off of chuck norris facts but funny none the less.

{"commentId":61717,"threadId":"18524","contentId":"133338","authorDomain":"MobileGeek"}

1 vote

#7 - Wed Mar 15, 2006 12:13 AM EST

{"commentId":61832,"authorDomain":"boredzo"}

Mac-arena the Bored Zo

Technically, a "Jack Bauer One-Liner" would be something funny said by Jack Bauer. These are "Jack Bauer Facts", by analogy with the Chuck Norris Facts, Mr. T Facts, and Vin Diesel Facts that came before.

{"commentId":61832,"threadId":"18524","contentId":"133338","authorDomain":"boredzo"}

#8 - Wed Mar 15, 2006 3:09 AM EST

{"commentId":61898,"authorDomain":"karnseth"}

SamuraiChamploo

Theres no such thing as gravity. Jack Bauer is all that keeps you from floating off into space.

{"commentId":61898,"threadId":"18524","contentId":"133338","authorDomain":"karnseth"}

3 votes

#9 - Wed Mar 15, 2006 7:29 AM EST

{"commentId":62148,"authorDomain":"paulmwatson"}

Paul Watson

What happens when Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer meet?

{"commentId":62148,"threadId":"18524","contentId":"133338","authorDomain":"paulmwatson"}

#10 - Wed Mar 15, 2006 11:53 AM EST

{"commentId":62188,"authorDomain":"pody"}

Dom Pody

Paul: the war is still going on to this day.

{"commentId":62188,"threadId":"18524","contentId":"133338","authorDomain":"pody"}

#11 - Wed Mar 15, 2006 12:16 PM EST

{"commentId":62238,"authorDomain":"Arlene"}

Arlene Sanders

Haha that's some great laughs Bobbi. What would Jack Bauer do to Chuck Norris. How long would Jack torture him?

{"commentId":62238,"threadId":"18524","contentId":"133338","authorDomain":"Arlene"}

#12 - Wed Mar 15, 2006 12:39 PM EST

{"commentId":62295,"authorDomain":"puleen"}

Puleen Patel

Way too funny!

{"commentId":62295,"threadId":"18524","contentId":"133338","authorDomain":"puleen"}

#13 - Wed Mar 15, 2006 1:17 PM EST

{"commentId":62963,"authorDomain":"thelevithorntonexperience"}

Levi

Jack would own Chuck.

{"commentId":62963,"threadId":"18524","contentId":"133338","authorDomain":"thelevithorntonexperience"}

2 votes

#14 - Thu Mar 16, 2006 12:05 AM EST

{"commentId":63484,"authorDomain":"karnseth"}

SamuraiChamploo

Chuck Norris is simply Jack Bauer in disuise. When Jack Bauer was a ten-year old child.

{"commentId":63484,"threadId":"18524","contentId":"133338","authorDomain":"karnseth"}

1 vote

#15 - Thu Mar 16, 2006 1:19 PM EST

{"commentId":63709,"authorDomain":"pody"}

Dom Pody

That can't be true, Samuri. Jack Bauer was never gay.

{"commentId":63709,"threadId":"18524","contentId":"133338","authorDomain":"pody"}

1 vote

#16 - Thu Mar 16, 2006 4:15 PM EST

{"commentId":64716,"authorDomain":"puleen"}

Puleen Patel

When Jack Bauer enters a bar, all the bottles change their name to Jack Bauers.

{"commentId":64716,"threadId":"18524","contentId":"133338","authorDomain":"puleen"}

1 vote

#17 - Fri Mar 17, 2006 12:37 PM EST

{"commentId":64740,"authorDomain":"puleen"}

Puleen Patel

Jack Bauer never sits idle, he carries terrorists in his pocket to keep him busy.

{"commentId":64740,"threadId":"18524","contentId":"133338","authorDomain":"puleen"}

1 vote

#18 - Fri Mar 17, 2006 12:47 PM EST

{"commentId":64749,"authorDomain":"puleen"}

Puleen Patel

Neither the chicken nor the egg came first, Jack Bauer did.

{"commentId":64749,"threadId":"18524","contentId":"133338","authorDomain":"puleen"}

1 vote

#19 - Fri Mar 17, 2006 12:51 PM EST

{"canLink":false,"threadId":"18524","isPrivate":false}

STEPHANIEBAMBAM

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Jack Bauer One-Liners

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